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You have to put blog hours pursuing that slow-cooked meal. Clearing resentment is often a many layered process. When he is going to shut up. When not writing or marketing, Elodia spends her time bargain shopping, enjoying staycations with her husband, and spoiling her nieces and nephews. Nobody likes change, but change is a of life and to ignore it is to still and unless blog partner is happy to stay still with you you will end up with a autobus on laurne hands. BUT it helps to know what rubs men and women lauren dating blog right way so that you can build on a solid foundation instead of just wandering around in the dark, guessing. My partner deeply appreciates this about me because I never hold my choices against him. Caballeros he lauern like me. The process of discovering more about the other person, as you continue to spend additional time with him or her, is what propels the relationship forward, right?.
Can you help give me a clue on how to be more successful with the ladies? This woman is not relationship material. This causes her to chase men who make her feel better about herself. If these Peacocks think so highly of themselves and they give her the time of day, it means SHE must be worth it. You will turn off women who are actually relationship material. But first I want to explain something about attraction that will help you understand the situation better. Unfortunately, unlike the animal kingdom, human women need more than a show to keep them involved in anything deeper than a surface flirt. Because for men, looks are a big part of attraction. You naturally assume women work the same way. However, for the most part, we value things differently. A woman can recognize a man is good looking physically and has a list of impressive credentials AND STILL NOT BE ATTRACTED TO HIM. On the other hand, a woman can think a man is not good looking but with time she may well see him as the most handsome man in the world. Women need another piece of the puzzle in order for their attraction to grow. How to attract a woman with relationship potential Dating is not a job interview where you have to pitch your strengths and accomplishments to get the gig. Just the simple act of listening to a woman and being interested in what she says can earn you, what I call: brownie points. · You listen without interrupting, you get a point. · You hold eye contact, you get a point. · You ask her a question, you get a point. · You open her car door, you get a point. · You compliment her, you get a point. If you earn enough points, you get a kiss. If you earn more, she tells you her deepest darkest secret. If you earn even more, she might fall in love with you. See how that works? What musical theater taught me about men with tiny cocks I spent years doing live theater; starring in roles like Dorothy, Ms. Hannigan, and Veruca Salt. But when it comes to a date and creating a genuine human connection, this system falls flat. With love, Lauren If you loved this advice, please use the social sharing buttons and SHARE it with your friends! Want to totally understand women, bring out your best self and create your dream relationship? Get the hottest book out there by clicking now. My dad was the number one self-help author of all time and the world's leading relationship expert. I was a kid who ate dinner to the tune of gender and relationship discussions and boy, did I learn a lot. So when I first started dating, I assumed I had it all figured out. I had several relationships that started wonderfully. My boyfriends would make me endlessly happy, and I was more than willing to allow them to be the source of my joy. But each time I would become so dependent on their love and attention that I became needy for my next fix. The high never lasted. I spent more time feeling disappointed, frustrated and hurt than anything else. It got to the point where I gave up on love entirely. I found my independence and it felt safe. I was single for 6 years. But the truth was I missed being in love. I wanted that kind of happiness again. But I wanted it to last. I needed to find a way to be in a relationship where ALL my needs were met — independence and intimacy, confidence and trust, strength and vulnerability. That way I could open my heart to a partner, receive love, even depend on it and never lose my strength and well-being in the process. That was the ticket! Your partner can only contribute 10% of your happiness. I was used to swinging from one extreme to the other: looking for a relationship to fulfill 100% of my happiness to then giving up on a partner to meet my deeper emotional needs entirely. She's used to marching to the beat of her own drum, prefers to do things on her own, and hates asking for help. She's a little bit of a type A personality and has an intensity that sometimes scares men away. She often feels overworked and burnt out taking care of everything and everyone. She wishes her partner would do more to contribute and make things easier. OR Venus in Pink Taps more into her feminine side. She hates spending time without her special guy, she doesn't enjoy indulging in alone time, and she finds herself rattled when her guy wants time without her. She feels needy and dissatisfied, wishing her partner would initiate more romance and stop acting so distant and indifferent. Learn how to fulfill yourself and find your happy. Learn how to get your needs met effectively from a man so that he can feel successful and you can finally feel satisfied. If you want a successful relationship, 10% of your happiness needs to come from him. Because only SHE has the skills to use relationship tools effectively, only SHE has the power to motivate her partner to give her all the love she wants, thus creating the necessary We-Time for both partners to thrive in intimacy and lasting attraction. I teach women how to do this in a transformational online course called How to Get More Me-Time which just closed it's enrollment. With love, Lauren If you know someone who would appreciate these insights ANY woman who struggles in love and deserves more happiness and fulfillment please use the social sharing buttons and share this post with them. Newsfeeds will be full of picture perfect couples — getting engaged, flashing new jewelry, bouquets of flowers, etc. A great relationship needs to be fed with loving attention every day. Does that sound exhausting? This is about channeling your energy effectively so that the love and energy you give, gives back to you…so you have even more to give and the cycle feeds itself. This is less about big extravagant gestures and more about how you relate to each other on a daily basis; small choices you make to support a relationship that will support you in return. I only give what I can give with love. If I feel pushed, pressured, or resentful — I say No. My partner deeply appreciates this about me because I never hold my choices against him. I take responsibility for my own happiness and he loves this about me. He returns the favor and I am grateful. When we give with love, each act of generosity inspires even more generosity. When one of us accidently steps in it and the other feels defensive, rather than stew in justifications for those upset feelings, turn a cold shoulder, or act out, we practice gratitude to open our hearts to each other so we can receive the love that will heal the hurt. By focusing on the love I give him the message that he is enough. This small act of love choosing to focus on the good, not the mistake makes him feel loved, which automatically makes him feel more loving and he has more to give to me. My partner extends the same effort to me when I make a mistake and he receives the same loving return on investment. OMG did she just say that out loud on the internet?!!!! This is not a sign that the relationship is in a state of emergency. For me it's such a quick turn-around because I also make sure I get regular Me-Time in my life. My partner does the same. This small effort of self-care pays our sex life back in dividends. I hope they help you enjoy your relationships even more. With love, Did you love this advice? Please use the social sharing buttons and SHARE it with your friends. Hey Lauren, I really love your blogs, they make a lot of sense, and I need your help with something. What can I do? Before we dive in, I want to be completely transparent. Clearing resentment is often a many layered process. The first step to any recovery is a diagnosis. I mean, have you ever felt like you give more than you get? Now you have the power to get rid of it. The Relationship SECRET No One Tells You! So this is her fault, right? You want to be a good partner. You resent her for making you do that thing. You give what you can give with love. That goes for men AND women. On the one hand we see it as romantic; on the other hand we see it as the dark side of compromise and the source of resentment flu. The root cause of this misunderstanding can be found in our gender differences. Romantic Sacrifice for Men The act of sacrifice releases the hormone testosterone. Releasing testosterone for men lowers their stress levels. When a man has enough testosterone, sacrifice for his partner feels heroic, grand, sexy, and romantic. Think about how it made you feel in the beginning of your relationship when you gallantly offered her your jacket when it got cold. She was warm, you were cold, you had every right to be miserable and yet, you felt on top of the world! However, women get a huge hormonal benefit from giving to their partner from a place of abundance. Women are givers, lovers, nurturers and when we are giving from a place of fullness, we are releasing the hormone oxytocin, which lowers our stress and feels really good to us. When women give from a place of stress or scarcity, it becomes a sacrifice and over time will lead to Resentment Flu. Only give from a place of fullness and abundance. For men, this means rebuilding your testosterone levels. But when you have sufficient levels of testosterone, sacrificing for your woman can feel empowering and romantic. To learn more about this essential hormone and how it can make or break your relationship your work, your health, and your life! For women, this means filling your tank and lowering your stress levels. It starts feeling like one giant sweaty sacrifice. Cough cough… I feel the flu coming on... Let's just say this Summer could change everything. With love, Gratitude practice has become a popular path to experiencing more happiness and fulfillment in life. We ALL have things to complain about. By the very nature of us being imperfect human beings, we are imperfect partners, and will experience imperfect relationships. While I offer a course that shows women how to approach their relationships differently in order to get a different result, for this moment, we cannot change our partners. What is something that your partner adds to your life that you would miss if it was taken away from you? What small things do they contribute to make your life easier, more fun, more meaningful, brighter, lighter, richer, and more truthful? Even when it's dark. Even when it's raining. I hate that job. So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make a list of your own. Remember what it was like when you were all alone and from that perspective acknowledge your genuine gratitude for what your partner adds to your life. This exercise is always there for you to take up and connect with those feelings and no one needs to change in order for you to feel this way. This exercise alone is not going to change your life but it can change a moment, and that moment can change the way you say something to your partner and that communication can change the way your partner responds to you and from there…who knows? Love begets more love. Gratitude is a powerful path to more love. And this list is a great exercise to open your heart again and again. With love, Lauren P. This is a simple exercise that I hope helps you connect more fully to the love in your heart so that you can experience more love in your relationship. If you want to experience even MORE love and fulfillment in your relationship, MORE reciprocal efforts and gestures of love and consideration, MORE happiness and appreciation, sign up for email updates because something AMAZING is coming up. Let's just say this Summer could change everything. Hi Lauren, I need your help. It seems like every time I try to bring something up about our relationship and express my honest feelings, it turns into a fight. I should be allowed to express to myself to my own boyfriend. You absolutely deserve a relationship where you feel free and safe to share your feelings. Way to cock block my feelings!!! Have you noticed this? But in order to get what you need, we first need to understand WHY men cock block your feelings instead of listening. From his perspective, there is no new information to process so it begins to feel redundant, unnecessary and most of all, blame-y. A woman repeats herself for two reasons: 1. His withdrawal right at the moment you open up and get real with your feelings, feels like a rejection. If you need to, you can come back to the conversation later at a better time. I can see you got the message. I appreciate your patience. Why LATER is always BETTER Many people think that delaying a conversation until a later time is just delaying the inevitable fight. Why not push through and deal with it now? Well, if you push, then it inevitably becomes a fight. T So by pressing the hold button, you create an opportunity for better and more peaceful communication. Talking about your feelings with a man can be like walking through a minefield; there are many ways you can unknowingly trigger an explosion…or worse, the next ice age!!! But what separates a dissatisfying relationship from a fulfilling one is looking past the fault and finding the loving intention. Anyway, this last Sunday morning I woke up exhausted, just flat out pooped. My honey was also exhausted from a busy week and he just wanted to sleep in and relax. Here were my options: 1. I could stay in bed and call Perfecto to tell him to sell the bunch of roses he always puts aside for me. I could ask my sleepy sweetie to go the market and pick up my roses for me. He would rather be sleeping in but I know how happy he is to make me happy. So I chose Option 3 and I asked my partner for help— knowing that I had two other back up plan options if he said no. And then he said YES! He would go to the market for me and pick up my two-dozen roses and bring them home to make me happy. We had those last week. Get something white, yellow, or pink, okay? I have brought you roses! Thank you so much. I appreciate this so much. This is real life. I was leaning on my partner and depending on him to get this job done for me. I gave him specific instructions to set him up for a successful mission. And he screwed it up. We both saw it. It was there in the room with us and its name was Milva. Here were my options: Option 1. I could express my frustration with his mistake. I could look past the mistake and find the love. I could choose to focus on the fact that I was staring at 25 stunning roses that were mine to enjoy. I could choose to focus on the fact that my partner had given me a gift by letting me sleep in and going out into the world to take on this mission to make me happy. We can make choices that support us in deeper intimacy or we can make choices that push us further apart. So what did I choose? I chose Option 2. Because not only does this fill my heart with love to see his love reflected back to me but it also fills him with love knowing that HE IS ENOUGH. Imperfect though we both are, to each other, we are enough. We look past faults and see the loving intention behind it. We trust that we are doing our best for each other. I shall have beautiful orange roses this week. Thank you so much for getting them for me. You really saved the day. This was my Winning Move. And you know what he did? You want me to put these in vases for you so you can keep resting? If you loved this perspective, please use the social sharing buttons and share it with your friends! Want the learn more relationship and communication tools to have a successful relationship? Sign up below for email updates and get started with a free ebook!! Dear Lauren, I don't feel comfortable talking to my boyfriend when I feel sad, because what's the point? He doesn't give me his full attention. He's stuck in fix it mode. I don't want our relationship to end, but it bothers him when I'm upset and can't talk about it. Under moderate stress, women have 8 times more blood flow to the emotional center of their brains than men do. So, a tiny problem can yield a bigger upset reaction in a woman than in a man. His brain can get equally fired up but it only does so for the big emergencies. All these reactions are well-meaning AND just make things worse! The stakes are higher than you think. Women often need to process things verbally to move through negative feelings and move on to more positive ones. It means that she has shut off from her desire for and trust in her partner. Your relationship may be great today but resentment will be your undoing. Talking and sharing is the lifeline of your relationship. The step-by-step manual: How men and women can communicate without all the drama. We need to find a way that a woman can share her negative thoughts and feelings with her partner so that he can listen without going into Mr. Fix it mode or getting defensive. Simply understanding how men and women react to stress differently can go a long way to improving communication. However, I also have a step-by-step manual. In this scenario, each partner contributes to the success of the interaction. The woman takes these 5 simple communication steps. You can only change your approach so that they respond in a different way. With this approach, a man responds by listening in a more supportive way. Step 1: Ask him for his full attention for 10 minutes. When a man has your direction for how to make you feel better, it gives him the confidence and patience he needs to just sit and listen. A man in love wants to help you feel better. When a man listens, it allows a woman to feel that she is not facing her problems alone which triggers calming hormones in the body and makes her feel better. Is there anything I can do for you? This gratitude moment brings the two of you together after your intimate sharing. This positive feedback also communicates to him that he did a good job. In the meantime, as a man learns to listen better and a woman learns to communicate her needs better, there needs to be room for mistakes and disappointment. For Liz and other women reading this, if your partner is not capable of meeting your needs as a listener right away then you need to look elsewhere. Look to your friends for that particular kind of support and intimacy. But never stop talking and expressing yourself because it will be the death of your relationship and of your bright light in this world. Which insight today was a big takeaway for you? Did you love this advice? Please use the social sharing buttons and SHARE it with your friends. Thank you so much for all that you do. Or in my case, a series of narcissists? I know I deserve more than that. I say all this not to make you feel bad for using the word. As women, we take those intuitive skills for granted. Now we can really get somewhere! It just means that thinking of others in that way is outside his comfort zone and intuitive skillset. Relationships and social skills and communication scare him. So he falls back on what works for him in the workplace his comfort zone — he talks himself up, he acts like an expert, and he takes charge of the meeting. All we really need to know is — Can you bring out another side of him or not? If you can, enjoy it! Strategy 1: Stop asking HIM questions. Strategy 2: Feel free to interrupt. When he is going to shut up? When he is going to ask me a question? This guy is such a narcissist! Feel free to interrupt. Aka: Too much information. You have a voice, right? You have something to say, right? That means he wants to be around you, he wants to get to know you, he wants you to have a good time. TMI is often discouraged socially. Instead of stabbing yourself or HIM! Find something within his story that relates to you in any way. Places you want to travel? Classes and education of any kind? Craziest food you ever had? What sparks a genuine interest and passion in you? And then run with it. Let it take you to talk about whatever YOU want to talk about. Will he cringe at your selfishness? Besides, men LOVE it when a woman lights up. I love how every culture has such a different and unique story with food. I used to cater for health retreats. Like Thai cooking, right? I love getting creative like that. I also really love to write and paint… Do you have a creative outlet you love? Lemongrass is cool but did you try eating chicken feet? Those things look so narly at the farmers market. Do you ever go to the Sunday farmers market here in town? My family is so important to me and I just think my parents are super cool people. Do you see your parents often? It takes two to tango. Maybe you need to be a little less accommodating and people pleasing and a little more self-empowered and take charge. The only thing you can do is approach him differently to get a different result. With love, Lauren Hey Lauren! Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years. The first year was bliss, the second year was also bliss but with some insecurities thrown in. The one thing I have been insecure about recently is that I feel that my boyfriend and I don't talk enough. Does this mean he isn't right for me? Can we improve our communication? Is he getting bored with me? Men and women view communication differently. For women, talking and sharing is a form of intimacy. For men, talking is the tool they use to get a point across in order to achieve a goal or solve a problem. Men mainly get their dose of intimacy through touching, sex, and physically doing things for their woman. The Communication Evolution In the beginning of your relationship, conversation was easy because his goal was to woo you so that you would choose him to be your monogamous partner. He no longer sees the need to talk because his goal is accomplished. Talking is not a priority for him like it is for you. Everything else is fluff. He knows the answer to this question. He knows what he did, where he went, what impossible problems he solved, what amazing feats of strength and honor he acted out. He likes showing his woman how smart, clever, strong and capable he is. He likes to answer this question. Stimulate more communication by participating in projects and activities that you have in common. This way you can inspire both of your intuitive communication styles. You can talk about your feelings, reactions, and experiences of the activity. He can talk about the problem solving aspects and the steps of action necessary to achieve the goal. Here are 5 fun ideas of activities and projects you can share together: 1. Take a class together. Yoga, art, improvisation, dance, cooking… 2. Learn a new skill together. Photography, wine pairing, roasting your own coffee, playing guitar… 3. Make a new challenging recipe once a week together. Plan a vacation together. DIY project in your house. No one has to force anything. The most impactful thing you can do to improve communication is to realize that the one who should be doing most of the talking is YOU. Communication in a relationship is not meant to be tit for tat. In fact, I always warn talkative men to ensure that they never talk more then their woman. A woman experiences intimacy through sharing her feelings, stories, and experiences but only when a man sits in front of her, looks her in the eyes, and really listens. She needs to feel heard. If your dinner conversations are light, know that you are the one who should be doing the talking. The other day I spent almost the whole day in front of the computer and I needed a break. I caught my sweetie right as he was about to lie down for a nap. Ugh, bad timing right? I need to clear my mind and get away from the computer. Then, for the rest of the walk I talked. I talked and talked and then sometimes we were silent. I tried running him into things, he tried putting flowers and leaves in my hair. I feel so much better. I had a wonderful time. By me talking and him listening, we had connected and were both rejuvenated by the mutual intimacy we felt. When a woman talks and expresses herself and in turn feels heard, not only is the relationship bond strengthened but a hormonal miracle occurs. It actually measurably lowers her stress levels and makes her feel good. On the flip side, it measurably lowers stress levels in a man when he can be there for his woman and have her appreciate it. With love, Lauren Now I want to hear from you! Which one resonated with you the most? Which one will you try? If you loved this article, please use the social sharing buttons and SHARE it with your friends! Last week we somehow ended up in bed together. It felt comfortable and natural. He used to text me all the time and now he never texts me unless I text him first. Why is he acting so different? You had fun together as friends, you had even more fun together having sex and now it seems like. How does that make any sense? Once you have sex with someone, people act differently. Male, female, young, old, casual or serious, sex changes everything. It can make you feel really insecure when this happens. Does he not like me? Will I ever see him again? Did I do something wrong? What the heck happened? This is because of the bonding hormone: Oxytocin. During good sex, oxytocin builds and releases causing you to bond more deeply with your partner. This chemical bond is what fuels women to sit by the phone thinking about the guy, waiting for a call or text. This is because men tend to pull away after sex. During sex, oxytocin increases, which has the effect of lowering testosterone. As his testosterone levels rebuild, his interest returns. Your guy may be calling you at this point as his interest or libido returns. The Chicken or the Egg: Where is this relationship going??! This is a bit of a chicken or the egg scenario. Which comes first: Sex? Or clarity around what sex means to your relationship? Did you ask him if he wanted to be more than friends with you? Did you talk about your intentions for a relationship? Only in the next few days, do they start to wonder about what it meant. If you ask questions about where the relationship is going after the fact, specifically when a man pulls away, he tends to get very uncomfortable and withdraws even further. In this case, wait until he comes back looking for a connection, then you can get more of a sense of where this relationship is going. No strings attached type of play? Or is this person someone you might want to pursue a relationship with? Here are a couple scripts I wrote to inspire you. This same script can be used by men with women as well. This same script can be used by men with women as well. You get to decide exactly how you want to play this. Women can be fulfilled by a fling. This just means that. Your hormones will tell you that you want more and more. Your mind needs to counter these messages with your own logic and understanding. Always check in with yourself: What does this sex mean to me? Because it always means something. With love, Lauren Now I want to hear from you! Have you experienced sex changing a relationship? Did you love this advice? Please use the social sharing buttons and SHARE it with your friends! Dear Lauren, My ex-girlfriend said that she did not love me nor was she attracted to me. But we were together for six months! She made the first move on our first date, she would always initiate PDA's: kissing, touching, even arousing me in cabs, restaurants, the park... She expressed interest in sex but we never went through with it. But tell me, how is it that you can get so close to someone physically and claim to have neither attraction nor feelings? I am still nursing my broken heart after she dumped me on Christmas morning last year. I am still at a loss to understand this whole thing. Many times people approach love and relationships from a place of insecurity and eagerness: insecurity that they are not worthy of love and eagerness to find that perfect someone. There are two blaring problems with this. If you are so eager to find Mr. Perfect then you plaster his her face onto whoever you are dating and it can take months for the real person to shine through your fantasy delusion. Not only is this a less than efficient way to find your soul-mate, it also breaks quite a few hearts in the process, leaving many guys and girls feeling exactly like you feel right now: confused and frankly, a little whip-lashed. When you met, she saw you as a potential person to love her so she did whatever it took to earn your love. It was her own insecurities that motivated all that lavish PDA. This shut down her feelings of attraction toward you along with any romantic feelings that might have existed. She then dumped you and left you with a broken heart. Gourmet The danger of instant gratification I understand the allure of these women who come on strong. We live in a fast food culture that indoctrinates us with an impatience that permeates everything; including our love lives! We are seeking instant gratification. Which leaves you with the women who come on fast and strong. You have to put in the hours pursuing that slow-cooked meal. But most of that hurt just comes from being confused. She knew her fantasy version of you, which had nothing to do with you. YOU are not being rejected here. Next time a woman comes on really strong, know that she is probably turned on to the fantasy of who you might be, rather than the real you. Ensure that she's getting to know the real you. This is how you fall in love with someone who sees and loves you for you. This is how you find your soul-mate. This is gourmet love. With Beef Bourguignon, home-made pasta-y kinda love, Lauren Now I want to hear from you! What do you think about moving fast vs. If you loved this advice, please use the social sharing buttons and SHARE it with your friends! And if you want MORE of this kind of awesome advice on love, dating and relationships, sign up below for FREE email updates and a little gift from me to you. Dear Lauren, My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. This is out of control. In your question alone I counted 6 major red flags! No matter how amazing the guy is, this behavior will push him away. This can be an extremely healing experience where you confront and process old fears so that you can move on from them. In this way, a relationship can actually support you to step into your full potential. Or, if left unchecked, these insecurities can suck the life and love out of a relationship. Subconsciously, we try to sabotage the relationship by doing things we think will turn off our partners. This is so wrong. Eventually you throw too much at him and it suffocates the love he had for you. You need to do the work and self-exploration it takes to feel worthy of love in order to make a relationship work. All you have to do to overcome your insecurity is get educated! Knowledge is power and it will transform your confidence. Here are two FREE resources that can get you started today! This fear is a powerful thing and it often causes a man to dig in his heels on the way to aisle. I cover this phenomenon in detail. He wants to make you happy. A man will not commit to a woman he feels he cannot successfully help make happy. How to get a guy to commit to you! If you want to get a guy to commit to you, you have to build trust. He needs to be able to trust that he can make you happy. All you have to do to build this trust is acknowledge him for all the little things he does for you. Instead of setting him up for failure with ultimatums and tests, make an effort to set him up for success! Ask for what you want and then appreciate him when he delivers. This will encourage him and show him that he CAN make you happy. Once he feels confidant in this, he will take a step toward commitment. Relationships can easily slip into a play for power and it will eventually corrode any love that was originally there. Before this blog, ultimatums and tests were the only tools in your toolbox for getting what you want. But now you have new tools and I encourage you to use them. Honesty is the key. Togetherness is the solution to every problem. It sounds kinda romantic. Those values speak to me too. The Appeal and the Danger I can see how this mentality appeals to so many people. I call this The Dark Intimacy Addiction. You may even unconsciously stir up drama, doubt, or jealousy just to feel a connection. Strategy 2: Take space. How can you deal with this conflict and emotional turmoil? Stick to your partner like white on rice. That emotional vomit is real love. Take space and cool down. Do something feel-good and relaxing. Re-connect with your loving feelings for yourself, your life, and your partner. THEN, if you still have something to say, speak honestly from the heart. Communicate with care to the person you care about. Is this thoughtful message perhaps even MORE honest than your original heat-of-the-moment reaction? Try it and see for yourself. But in this particular case, time and space apart allow you to come back together in greater intimacy and loving connection. How can you re-ignite the passion? The sexual tension has vanished. Flirt with a co-worker in front of your partner and try to make them jealous — that should get their attention. Or how bout pressing their buttons and saying something you know will irritate them so that you can break through the veneer of indifference and get a reaction? Who cares if it causes tears, pain, and fighting? Take space and get hot for each other. Do something fun and relaxing that helps you get your groove back. Once you start feeling sexy and confident again, come back to your partner, go on a date, and enjoy the new-found heat and desire. Is this genuine turn-on even more satisfying than a jealous rage? Try it and find out for yourself. All instincts in the face of indifference scream to do something drastic, to force a connection. On the surface, the results of these strategies may look similar. Every time you choose to take intentional space, it breathes love and energy back into your relationship; setting you up for easeful, sustainable success for the long haul. With love, Dear Lauren, When something upsets my boyfriend or when anything upsets me, we feel responsible for each other. For example, if he gets upset about some incident, I feel guilty like it is somehow my fault when in fact I had nothing to do with it! What do we do in this case? In fact, if you feel bad because he feels bad and he feels bad because you feel bad then, well, where does it stop?! Your experience and definition of love is now all tied up into feeling BAD. For many couples, this becomes a bit of an intimacy addiction. They create drama in their lives in order to feel intimate with their partner. You want to release yourself of the cycle and the pain. In order to release the pain, we have to let go of the feeling of being powerless. The truth is: no person can make another person happy. What we are capable of is helping our partners find happiness. After a good long kvetch a woman almost always feels better! So you naturally encourage him to do the same. When a man is forced to talked about his upset feelings and complain, it actually has the opposite effect. It makes him wallow in his issues and preserve the bad feelings. When YOU are unhappy you want to surround yourself with people who will listen sympathetically. After all, that is the proper way to show someone love and support…on Venus. To a man, however, your concern translates to your distrust in him to take care of himself. Your lack of faith can lead to one of three things: One: He will feel even more defeated. Two: He will become defensive and possibly say something mean. Three: He will lean into your nurturing concern and start behaving like a child rather than your partner. This will lead to a complete change in the dynamics of your relationship and your sex life will suffer. These are three reasons why you might want to try a new strategy… 1 Shocking Strategy a Woman Can Engage to Help Her Man Find Happiness Rather than make a man talk about his feelings or look at him with sympathetic doe eyes, have a neutral attitude in the face of his suffering. When a man is unhappy the BEST thing you can do is do something to make yourself happy and then tell him about it. I know it goes against every instinct you have but trust me, give it a go and the results will speak for themselves. If you go off shopping with your girlfriends or spend a day at the spa, you will come home radiating happiness. Tell him all about your day and how much fun you had. But the crazy cool thing about men is that a guy will take credit for that happiness! He will feel successful. Making the woman he loves happy is his biggest goal and achievement. Which is why you being happy can help get him out of his funk. When you talk about your problems he feels powerless to help you because you NEVER TAKE HIS ADVICE! This can easily be fixed. Let him know that he can help you find your happiness by listening to you talk about how you feel. He can also help you find happiness by doing little things to show you how much he cares. He can: get you flowers, make the bed, do the dishes, take you out for a nice walk and hold your hand, or plan a picnic. The trick to making these moves really effective for getting a woman out of her funk, is that he needs to do them without her having to ask for them. So have your guy read this blog and let him know that you really like the sound of it. He wants you to be happy and once he knows that he has the power to help you, he will jump at the opportunity. When you love someone so much, the line between two individuals can get mushy and you can easily blend into one person. But a relationship cannot prosper by the actions, passions and feelings of just one person; it takes two to tango. To move forward, acknowledge that HIS pain is not YOUR pain. Agree that you are not responsible for his feelings and he is not responsible for yours. When you make this new agreement, it will free the both of you to love and support each other in a healthy way that promotes more happiness in the relationship, more often and more efficiently. If you loved this advice, please use the social sharing buttons and SHARE it with your friends! Dear Lauren, So I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time and he got really weird after that. Not simply, I love you, which is how I meant it. In fact, I love it! Who: Whoever is going to burst first. Because once you know HOW, you don't have to stress about the When or the Who. That's just about following your heart. Everyone has their own history with these words, which can influence what meaning they choose to attach to the phrase. This might seem bizarre. After all, love is a soft, cuddly thing, right? What is there to be afraid of? Why do they get weird? What are they afraid of? And they come in three forms. The expectation is that love leads to marriage, which leads to kids. There is now an expectation that he will take care of and cherish your heart, never hurting it, never bruising it, never making a mistake. That is a BIG responsibility. Making a woman happy is the most fulfilling thing for a man in a relationship. There are lots of scary things about love, imagined and real. Yay, I said it! Did I mention I love you? It exists here and now in this moment. I feel hesitant to use this word for fear it may change things between us or worse…scare you off. At the same time, I feel stifled when I think to keep it from you. This is my journey, these are my feelings and they require nothing more from you than what you already give. Love, Lauren 3 KEY phrases to banish 3 KILLER expectations As you can see, in my letter I used 3 key phrases to address all three expectations head on. He could appreciate the feeling in the moment and not get tunnel vision. As it is, I am happy. As it is, he is enough. Talk to your partner. Once he understands your love comes expectation-free, he will come around and the two of you can fall in love, fearless and fancy-free. With love, Dear Lauren, I love your blogs. My question is: my boyfriend moved in with me about two months ago. Both of us have been living on our own for more than 10 years, and for me, I get upset when I see his bad-living-together habits creeping into my space. How do I keep it at a minimum without making living with me miserable for him? Thank you Lauren for your advice!! I remember when I moved in with my partner, it was a really big adjustment. Going from living on your own in your own space to and most couples go through some drama figuring it out. The answer lies in flipping the script. What kind of opportunities, strategies and options reveal themselves when we change the question from a negative to a positive? What can we START doing to make this relationship great? Then the only solutions that reveal themselves have to do with limiting his freedom in some way, controlling him, criticizing him, or making him wrong. Go with your talents. What would the solution look like? Imagine what that would look like. That fetus idea grows up into a request. How can you form this request so that he feels nurtured, loved, and cared for? You are a loving and nurturing being…do that! Take these examples and apply the language and approach to the specific issues in your home and relationship. Example Issue 1 : He leaves wet towels on the floor. STOP leaving your dirty dishes in the sink. What were you thinking? Would you run to the store and get me some? Men really respond well to this particular feminine magic. The winning combination of creativity and nurturing sets him up for success. There is a way to genuinely enjoy living together and this is the path forward. I'm just working right now so I have more free time than her. Lately, with finals coming up and school being crucial right now, I haven't seen her in almost 3 weeks. I'm fine with time apart, totally fine, as long as I know she's only seeing me. I've just been a little worried that she's interested in someone else and maybe spending time with them. She is free to spend time with whomever she wants and can choose to be intimate with whomever she wants. The freedom to have alone time to counter the stress of being busy may be the reason she's only been interested in an ambiguous relationship up to this point and not a committed one. But I also think, pursuing another relationship is even less of a priority. Lets just play around with your options in case she is seeing someone else. But since you are in a sexual relationship, you are in a position to ask if she has any other sexual partners. This is the time to get clear on what you want. You need to decide how important she is to you. But by not showing your interest, you leave her wide open to any guy who does. At some point in the near future you might think about asking her to be in an exclusive relationship with you and pursue a greater commitment to one another. She may not be available for such a thing right now but it might give her something to think about. Relationships either begin for real or they end. I ask him to say something nice to make me feel better. He still seems so distant and cold. Am I going to push him away by my need for reassurance? Your need for reassurance can push him away. In his mind, of course he loves you! Why else would he listen to you talk about your day, help put the groceries away and pay for the movie tickets? And yet, how do you STOP needing reassurance? Is it even possible? Sure, some of these may be true, sometimes. When a man repeatedly shows he cares, understands, and is devoted to his partner, her need for reassurance is fulfilled. She knows she is loved. However, when he pulls away and withdraws emotionally, temporarily NOT showing that he cares, her need for reassurance naturally makes itself known. Men commonly make the mistake in thinking that once a woman is happy and secure in a relationship, then forever more she should know she is loved. This is not the case. How to get the reassurance you need in 3 easy steps: Step 1: Give him the words you want to hear. If there's a part of you that can connect with them in a genuine way, would you say this to me: …I love you. This is just a fight. Step 2: Believe the words; ignore the delivery. I get how you might have reservations about step 1. The trick to believing his words, even though the delivery sounds like a cold and angry parrot, is to understand his language of love: how HE naturally expresses his love. Men do not intuitively express their love through WORDS. Men more naturally express their love through ACTIONS. Ultimately, it is his ACTION that proves his love. Ask for reassurance in his language. When he returns, use your new smarts and do not show any D-O-U-B-T. Do not seek reassurance in the OLD way. After cave time, the goal is to set up a scenario where he can show you his love, reassuring you that you are loved, using his own intuitive love language — ACTION. You can achieve this goal by asking him to do something for you. In that moment, you get to be reassured that he loves you, not just through his WORDS but through his ACTIONS, the ultimate language of love on Mars. Leave him the heck alone or face the fire-breathing dragon. It means exactly what it says. But when it comes to a woman, this phrase is slightly more nuanced and can mean more than one thing. This leaves most men confused. This is mind boggling. This is an age-old question. You screwed up dude. You better fight to make it up to me. I just need to give to myself right now and I need space to do it. High-stakes misunderstanding: What happens when you guess wrong. If she felt hurt before, she feels even more hurt now. B A slow burning resentment that causes her to nit pick, criticize, and ice you out of her heart completely. Trust is one of the main ways a man recieves love; without it, the love will slowly disintegrate under a blanket of doubt, insecurity, and secrets. B She will feel like she needs to take care of your feelings. She will feel guilty for pulling away and will sacrifice her need for space and me-time in order to make you happy and ease your concern. This is not what a woman does for her man; this is what a mommy does for her son. Over time with enough of these of sacrifices, she will lose any and all sexual attraction she had for you and you can kiss your sex life goodbye. When to chase and when to walk away. Here is a 3 step formula script you can use to cover your bases and find the truth of her meaning: Step 1: Follow her but give her plenty of physical space. This is about her not you. Have I done anything to make you feel unloved? Ever seen an ice-cream cake melt in the sun at a birthday party? Just leave me alone. Sometimes, for women, it takes two. A If she asks for anything now, give it to her. This will re-instate intimacy and trust. Just the simple act of getting her a glass of water or getting her a Kleenex box can be all it takes for her to open up. Just let me know. But…what if she lies? The secret is: Believe her. A woman needs to learn to be responsible for her own happiness if she hopes to have a successful relationship. B Verbally confirm her desire for me-time with confidence when you check in. Relationships take two to tango. Communication is a responsibility that falls to each partner. And I think we all know how frustrating that is for the both the man and the woman. With love, Lauren Dear John, Why do guys want to kiss on the first date? When I ask the guys, they tell me they want to know if we have chemistry. I would rather have the first kiss come naturally. Lindsay Thanks for your question, LIndsay. This is an area where men and women often show their differences. If a man wants to kiss you, then he is already feeling chemistry. Whether you are starting over, just starting to date, or have been dating for years, one thing doesn't seem to change:Dating is awkward. Although dating can be confusing, painful and full of challenges, the greatest reward is finding a Soul Mate. So how do you find a Soul Mate? The first thing you should do when looking for love isstop looking for it. You should focus on yourself first. Dear John- My relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years now is like a fairy tale! I am 22 and he is 26. I know i am young, but we talk about marriage and kids in the future. All his friends are getting married or engaged most of them are his age. Even though we are comfortable with each other, i hav...
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